Pre-meeting coffee and smoke with Agent Smith.
Trevor frightened her. He frightened Ella way deep inside and in the layers of her skin she could not see. He was different and sad. He seemed not angry but fearless. Ella’s parents found him upsetting and spoke about him in spits and whispers. Ella wanted to hold him the way women in old paintings held dying men; like they were strong yet infantile creatures who would be fed or might be healed by breasts and thighs and breath. Ella could feel her pulse as if her heart beat inside her hips, just as she felt it in her neck and wrists in Phys-Ed after many laps or push-ups. Ella often wished she were just a few years older and that big choices were hers to make. Ella watched Trevor in the dark from her bedroom window. Her homework was not done and her hair was not washed and she watched Trevor in his backyard as he spun himself around slowly. He was shirtless and held a rope. Ella could hear it cut the air as he turned. She wondered if he knew she was watching and how badly she wanted him to tether her to him, forever. #nightwalk
Willie could be himself at night. When he worked. When he sat on his swivel stool in the dimly lit security booth. He had his radio but rarely played it. He fiddled with the knobs unconsciously as he stared at the monitors and out at the gate he was in charge of. No one ever came or went. It wasn’t that kind of place. Willie would sometimes give directions to drivers who had taken a wrong turn and ended up at his station. Willie tried to behave officially and to not seem to self conscious. He knew he looked different from other people. He knew his skin unsettled others. He would smile and speak in a higher, more cheerful voice than was natural, and would let the lost drivers make a U-turn through the gates. Willie whistled and played with his radio knobs and felt lucky to be taken care of. His Uncle understood him. His uncle knew that Willie needed a lit box and the cover of night to fit in. Willie applied some cream to his face and whistled to himself the way men to to women in movies. Maybe after work, before the sun came up, Willie would touch himself and think of things that he wished were real. Maybe at the end of his shift…but not right now. Right now Willie was on duty. #nightwalk
The dog and I are hanging out with the cat, the rabbit and @james_d_lynch. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO HELPED ME TODAY.